Couples Therapy · Nashville
Most couples don't come to therapy because they stopped loving each other.
They come because they keep having the same conversation over and over again. And there is some science behind that! According to research from the Gottman Institute, about 70% of relationship conflicts are perpetual. The “over and over again” is not coming from problems you solve once and move on from, but recurring differences couples have to learn to navigate differently.
The Conversation
You’ve had this one before
- You ask for reassurance. Your partner hears criticism.
- They try to explain themselves. You now feel dismissed.
- You bring something up because you want to feel closer. Your partner shuts down because they feel like they're already failing.
- You both walk away from the conversation feeling unheard, misunderstood, and somehow even farther apart than when it started.
And then, eventually, inevitably, you have the same conversation again.
Maybe you've started avoiding certain topics because you already know how they'll go. Maybe you find yourself keeping score. Maybe one of you is always trying to fix things while the other feels like nothing they do is ever enough. Maybe you genuinely don't understand how someone you love so much can consistently seem to misunderstand you.
You don't need to figure out who's the problem. You need to understand the pattern you're caught in.
Underneath the Argument
What the fight is actually about
- Underneath the argument about the dishes might be, “Do I matter to you?”
- Underneath the argument about spending time or money might be, “Can I trust you?”
- Underneath the request for more time together might be, “Do you still choose me?”
- Underneath the withdrawal might be, “I'm afraid that nothing I say is going to make this better.”
By the time couples arrive in therapy, they've usually become experts at arguing about the content of the conflict while missing the cycle underneath it.
That's where our work begins.
How I Work With Couples
I’ll help you see the cycle, not take sides.
When I work with couples, I don't believe one person is the problem and the other person is the solution. The relationship is my client. That means I'm not here to decide who is right, who started it, or whose feelings are more justified. I'm here to understand what happens between you.
- Who reaches first?
- Who pulls away?
- What does each of you do when you feel hurt?
- What does your partner experience when you do it?
- What happens next?
Because the pattern usually makes sense when we slow it down enough to see it.
Neither of you is crazy. Neither of you is necessarily trying to hurt the other. You're stuck in a cycle that has started running the relationship for you.
Our work is learning to recognize that cycle while it's happening so you can respond to each other differently.
Beyond Communication Tips
You don’t need another list of rules
Therapy isn't just about teaching you how to communicate. You've probably heard that one before, and maybe you’ve heard some, or even all of these:
- “Use I statements.”
- “Listen to understand.”
- “Schedule a date night.”
Those things can be useful. But if your nervous system is already convinced that you're not safe, understood, respected, or important in the relationship, having the perfect communication script isn't going to solve the deeper problem.
You don't need another list of rules for how to have a conversation.
You need to understand why the conversation keeps becoming what it becomes.
We'll slow things down enough to understand what each of you is experiencing underneath the words. We'll identify the patterns that keep pulling you apart and build new ways of responding that feel more connected and more intentional.
And I'll help you understand the why behind what we're doing along the way.
What We’re Building
Where conflict doesn’t automatically mean disconnection
Our goal isn't a relationship where you never disagree. Our goal is to create a relationship where conflict doesn't automatically mean disconnection. Where you can bring up something difficult without spending the next three days recovering from the conversation. Where you can hear your partner without immediately preparing your defense. Where asking for what you need doesn't feel like an accusation. Where taking responsibility doesn't feel like losing.
I want to teach you that you can recognize the moment you're getting pulled into the old pattern, and choose something different.
Start with the cycle.
You don't have to be on the verge of breaking up to benefit from couples therapy. Email me directly and we'll find a time for the three of us.
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